She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Randomize
