when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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