He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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