I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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