Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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