He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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