I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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