so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I think I just sharted jello shots
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