The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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