if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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