hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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