he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
