There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
