So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
