He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
