dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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