I CAN MOONWALK!
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Randomize
