dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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