I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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