Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
