Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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