So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize