i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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