census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
