I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
