Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize
