Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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