if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
