The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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