u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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