I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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