Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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