Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
You left your phone here
Wait...
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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