I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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