Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Randomize
