But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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