I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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