Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
