Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
