Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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