I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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