Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
