I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize