My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
