I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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