Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
