You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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