I just cut my nipple shaving
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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