Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize
