I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
should my penis look like a turkey
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
