I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
