2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
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