I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Randomize
