I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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