I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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