Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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