Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
