Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
