Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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